The Unvarnished Truth

Ugh, I'm so sick of being sick. I'm sick of my stomach hurting. I'm sick of going to a cancer center to be treated for a non-cancer illness, but one that still robs me of things on a daily basis. I'm sick of being tired. I'm just sick. I guess that's the problem -- I'm just sick. Bloating and nausea are a weekly thing for me. Pain is almost daily for me.

I hurt. My heart hurts for those around me who have to go through pain. My stomach hurts. My knees hurt. Sometimes my hands hurt. Sometimes I can't open a bottle of pills. Sometimes I can't open the screw cap to a water bottle. Sometimes I can't get the bottle of conditioner open in the shower. Sometimes I can't walk up a half flight of stairs. Sometimes I can't eat anything but crackers and broth for a whole day. Sometimes I just can't.

I hate not sleeping.... I should be sleeping now, I have a busy day planned for tomorrow; but that will probably go down the drain now.

I worry. I use to worry constantly; now it's not quite as bad; but I still worry. I worry that I'll let people down to whom I've made a commitment. I worry that I have or will make a mistake. I worry that something bad is going to happen to those that I love. And sometimes I just worry.

I feel like crap; not a word I use regularly now, but one that fits my mood. I was raised on feelings and letting feelings and emotions guide my heart and my actions. For the last eight years, I've been learning about God and His expectations for me. There's a quote that I'm trying to recall which goes something like this.... Your feelings will always change, but God's truth will not. That's so not worded as powerfully as I heard it, yet it's powerfully true.

There are days I can reasonably reflect on this and let God's peace envelope me. Today, I can't; I won't; I don't. I know that's not right, but today I am in pieces and I just want God to make me whole. I don't want Him to teach me, I just want Him to fix me. Today, right now, I am feeling unreasonable. And that makes me very frustrated.

I want VF's magic wand. I want her to wave it over me and make me whole. Gosh, wouldn't that be a perfect gift?

I want my old social work job back -- I loved that job with everything in me. I didn't always like it; I didn't always like what I had to do and what I had to say; but I always loved my heart and the heart of the people who worked there. You cannot find better and more caring people than those who work in public child welfare. What a privilege it was to work there.

This truly has been a rambling. This is the unfettered and unvarnished truth that comes out of me today. Tomorrow I'll feel better; tomorrow I won't be so down; tomorrow I will be more reasonable. But for right now, I'm just going to wallow in my unreasonableness.

Being Fatherless on Father's Day

This has been a wonderful weekend and a difficult day. It's been 23 years and 5 months since my father passed away. Most of the past several Father's Days I have focussed on my husband as a father and have usually spent the weekend with my in-laws, celebrating the fathers in our life on my husband's side of the family.

But today, as we were driving home from my in-laws, I am scrolling through Facebook and am overwhelmed with all the Father's Day postings. It always takes me by surprise when people who are older than me still have their fathers, I know it shouldn't, but it does. And then I am reminded that so many people my age still have their fathers. I am so happy for them, but today, today it's been difficult to watch all those Father's Day postings. Today I broke down in tears scrolling through Facebook. Thankfully, my husband was by my side, just holding my hand.

From my dad to my children's dad, thanks for taking care of me.

Gorilla vs Human

I am in shock at the number of people who are upset about the gorilla that was shot and killed this past weekend; Harambe, a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, was dragging a 4 year old boy around his enclosure, after the toddler accidentally fell into the gorilla enclosure. I get the whole being angry at the unprovoked killing of an animal, but this wasn't unprovoked. This gorilla was harming an innocent child. 

I worked in child welfare for over 20 years. I saw and heard about unspeakable things being done to defenseless children. There were times I cried and times I raged. I wondered how a parent could perpetrate such acts of violence on their own children. But this act, this violent act of a wild animal harming a small child, is being called into question because the method the zoo used to stop this violent act killed Harambe.

Seriously people, since when does the death of a wild animal take more precedence than the potential death of a human child? When did human life become less important than the lives of animals?

Imagine that you are witness to an adult human dragging a small child around on the ground. Imagine that you have tried to distract that adult and he/she is having nothing to do with what you are saying/doing. Then imagine that a police officer comes up and makes the same attempts. Then that police officer realizes that words alone are not having an affect on this human and realizes that the child is being injured by the adult's actions and that the damage is only getting/going to get worse. We would expect that police officer to do whatever it took to rescue that child; up to and including the fatal shooting of that adult. I guarantee there would be no outcry for that adult who died during the life saving actions of that police officer, and I'm pretty sure it would not make the national headlines, nor would it make numerouse rounds on social media.

Police officers are expected to keep the peace in our communities. Zoo personnel are expected to keep the peace in a zoo. Their efforts saved the life of that child; in my book, that's heroic.

As for the mother of this toddler, I can't condemn her. I wasn't there and I didn't see what happened. I've only been able to find one witnesses account who indicated that the toddler made his way into the enclosure before anyone saw anything. If the mother is any kind of parent, she will be questioning herself and her own actions for a long time. This appears to be an accident, very similar to when a child darts between 2 parked cars on a street and gets hit by a car driving down that street. Tragic, but not always the result of a neglectful parent.

Checking in....

Wow, it's been over 3 years since I've written in this blog. I've just reviewed all of my posts (there is SO many, not!). I'm not sure if I'm up to "continuing" (can I really use the word "continuing if I haven't done it in more than 3 years?) this blog, but I realize that my life has taken some crazy turns and lots has happened in the past 3 years. I want to blog about them all, I'm just not sure I can remember all of them. Here's a list of things that have happened and that I hope to blog about in the future....

• My son got married
• I no longer work
• My daughter went to college
• My testimony, why and how I came to trust in the Lord
• my identity -- that I am a child of God; not that I was the Regional Director of the CD
• My many illnesses and health issues and all the pros/cons that come with all that "stuff"
• Transcription -- it's harder than it looks
• New knees -- you really can't dance the night of surgery

I know this list is not all inclusive, but it's a start.  Let's see what I can do.

A blessing in disguise?

As the meager few who follow this know, I started this blog because I lost my job in April 2011.  That was a very painful experience and one to which I am still struggling to adjust.  I miss the work I did, I miss the mission and vision I had and I miss the good I know I did.


When this happened, I had a friend tell me "This would not have happened without God's knowledge and approval." In the past 15 months, I have been trying very hard to understand the why.  I've begged, pleaded, railed against, cried and tried hard to listen to Him tell me why He allowed this to happen.  I think tonight he finally told me why.  


For the past 10-12 months, I've been struggling with some health issues.  Not health issues that have caused me pain, but more that have caused worry and wonder -- not just for me but for the medical professionals I've worked with for many years and a couple of new ones I've had the necessity to meet recently.  I still don't have all the answers, but after a handful of expensive medical tests, I'm hopeful to have a diagnosis soon.


I got a Facebook message earlier this week from a former employee who just wanted to say she was sorry to see me go and she thought I'd done a good job in my former employment.  Even after 15 months, I still get those and I am so very thankful to receive them.  It validates what we did as an agency and reminds me that I did have a positive impact on children, families and, just as important -- the staff who carried out a tough job with little respect and recognition from others.


But, as always happens, those messages remind me that I don't have the most important (at least to me) answer -- WHY did He let this happen?  Well, I think He finally told me tonight.  He knew I needed strength and time to deal with my current health issues and He knew I would not have had either with my former job. As I sit and think about all the time I've had to take off to find the answers to my health questions, I realize that it would have been difficult for me to adequately attend to everything I've had to do in the past several months if I was still embroiled in my former life.  


I'm still sad; I still miss my former life and all that came with it -- but maybe I'm beginning to appreciate an incident that may just turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Truth be Told, my brother is why I became a Social Worker

I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I'm going to share a little secret.....  my brother is an alcoholic.  Now, I've known this for years, but in a very sporadic and distance sense.  I've been around him when he's drunk and quite frankly, I don't like him much (i.e. at all) when he's drunk.  As with most drunks, he is a complete jerk when he has had too much to drink.  Much as I love him, I can still share that.  Having said all that, I've seen a completely new side to him that makes me weep in equal parts frustration and love.

He had knee replacement surgery last Friday.  Apparently the night before, he got completely drunk.  Why anyone would preform surgery on a man with such an alcohol problem is beyond me.... I can only hope it was done because they didn't know the extent of his problem.

I visited with him on Saturday and it quite literally, scared the crap out of me.  Looking at him reminded me of the videos you see of starving, emaciated people who have eaten next to nil for several months. He frequently fell into a fitful sleep while talking and was incoherent for most of the day.  Later that night he pulled out his IV, got up and promptly fell down.  I'm sure he had every intention of locating a cigarette because not only is he addicted to his beer, he is addicted to his cigarettes.

As a result of this behavior, he was moved to a more secure room with 24 hour supervision.  Now when I was told that, I really didn't believe that -- who is going to spend the money on that?  Well, apparently his insurance, because I spent the day with him today and the nurse was in there ALL the time and only left when she was relieved by another nurse or when she was assured that I would not leave the room.

As a result of his alcohol and tobacco withdrawal, here are some of the conversations we have had over the past few days....

• Him to me "Where's Zach, he was here with you this morning."  "No Pascal, Zach is in school today."
• Him to me "What are you doing for Memorial Day?" "I don't know Pascal, Memorial Day is months away, Halloween is the next 'Holiday'"
• Him to me "I need my sunglasses, find my sunglasses"  "Here they are Pascal, in your suitcase"  "Okay...  leave them there, I don't need them now."
• Him to me "I know Mom's schedule on Sundays, she'll be home tomorrow between church and lunch."  "Pascal, tomorrow's not Sunday."

He alternately cursed me, flipped me off and smiled at me.  It was quite an adventure and I have a whole new appreciation for anyone who has to deal with this on a daily basis.  I hope and pray that his road to recovery is an easy one.  In reality, it will be bumpy and it will be bumpy by his own choosing.

 Truth be told, and as sad as it may be to say.....I'm glad I work with abused and neglected children and not alcoholics.

Who Am I?

I'm copying a friend of mine and linking up to another site:  www.sassysites.blogspot.com  The blogger has asked that we answer the following questions about ourselves....

Why did you decide to start blogging?  I started blogging in the Spring because I suddenly parted ways with my employer after almost 20 years of service.  It was a tough time for me and I needed an outlet.  

When you aren't blogging, what are you doing?  When I am not blogging I am playing games on Facebook (I LOVE to play games), reading, watching TV, or spending time with family or my church family.  I live a predominantly sedentary life but am slowly trying to become more active.  In all reality, I don't think blogging is going to help me in this endeavor!!

What is your blog about?  My blog started as an outlet for my unemployment status, but I am happy to say that my employment status has changed, so now I will be blogging about anything that comes to mind.

When do you find the time to blog?  Whenever I can :)

What is your favorite post so far that you've written?  The post immediately before this one..... God is good and he will provide direction if you are willing to look for it.

I have to change the title of my blog....

I have a job!!!  This week I was offered the Child Assessment Director position at Sunflower House, a non profit agency that serves child abuse victims.  Sunflower House offers advocacy, education, forensic interviews and medical evaluations.  I am so excited about this opportunity and thank God who placed me where I needed to be.  He even sent me a message the day of my second interview....  a sunflower in my backyard!  I've lived in this house for 17 years and this is the first time I have ever had a sunflower in my yard.  The peace that settled over me that morning was amazing.  Nothing is better than God's providence and direction in my life.  My many thanks to all my family and friends who prayed for me these past few months.  God is definitely good.

Here's the sunflower -- isn't it beautiful???

Do not shop..... go straight home

Today I was talking to an old friend of mine (old as in I've known her forever, not old as in old :))......  She is dealing with some significant health issues lately and I was just calling to check on her.  She reminded me of several funny stories that span back over several years.  I certainly enjoyed talking to her today and was warmed by her positive outlook on life.   I asked her if there was anything I could do for her and she said knowing that friends and family were thinking about her and praying for her was enough.  I told her if she needed anything, all she needed to do was ask......  The Smart Alec comes back with "I told you to go straight home, not go shopping!"

Oh my.....  I had hit a nerve.  Last time I visited with her was the day of the big storm here in KC that required most everyone to seek basement shelter in the middle of a work day for over an hour.  Tornado sirens were going off, dark clouds were rolling in...  I think the Joplin tornado had occurred just 3 days prior.  My big goal for that day was to prepare dessert for that night's big family dinner -- my niece was in from out of town with her beau and her baby and all I needed to bring was dessert.  As T and I were watching the weather from her basement, I realized I had 30 minutes before the storm was to hit where we live.  My plan had been to go to the grocery store on my way home...  I decided to make a run for it.....  T tells me as I'm leaving "don't stop at the store, go straight home."  I nod my head yes as I shut her front door and then say "after I go to the grocery store."  You see -- I didn't want to tell a lie....  I just made sure she couldn't hear me when I finished my sentence!!

I went to the grocery store.....  they weren't letting people shop because of the tornado sirens....  if we entered the store, we had to go back to the freezer.  So I stayed outside by the front doors for a little while, watching those clouds roll in.  (Note -- I wasn't the only one standing by those doors!!)  Sanity finally weighed in and I went home.... texting T that I had arrived safely.

Okay, so, no big humorous lesson for anyone today, just a good, private laugh at a recent memory and T's quick wit and my promise to her that next time, I will try much harder to follow directions.  Love you T.

A life gone too soon

Over the weekend I found out that a woman I use to work with had a heart attack and died.  She leaves behind two children, the youngest who is middle school aged.  She was only five years older than me.  While I didn't know her well, and really couldn't consider her a friend, the suddenness of her death has left me somewhat shaken.

Here was a single parent who worked extremely hard at ensuring that children and families less fortunate than her own had access to the kinds of things we probably take for granted -- Easter baskets, Thanksgiving dinners, birthday and Christmas gifts, prom dresses and all the extras that go with that special day.  And at the end of the day, in the blink of an eye, she's gone.  

In addition to the suddenness, my shakiness has to do with her age and her size.  She was only five years older than me at the time she died and she was over-weight.  I have no idea what lead to her heart attack, and I don't know anything about her medical history, but being that close in age and being over-weight myself, well.....  it's hitting pretty close to home.

Hug your loved ones tonight and take care of yourself, you never know when it will all be gone.

RIP SC.

Patience

In the grand scheme of my life, I am a relatively new believer in Christ.  This is important in the fact that I believe my recent employment changes have been His way of teaching me about patience.  I have never been a patient person, whether it's being patient about something highly anticipated or highly dreaded.  I must have grown up always getting what I wanted (at least that's what my brothers LOVED to tell me when I was a kid.)  Or....  I just never really learned how to be patient.....  or, I've lost it over the years.  I'm not sure which is true (and I'm not sure which of these my ego will let me admit) however, I don't have much of it now.  I remember as kid being so excited about opening presents on Christmas Day that I could hardly go to the sleep on Christmas Eve.  I can still feel that anticipation the night before some big planned activity.  I sincerely think that this has contributed to my difficulty in sleeping.  Whenever I am anticipating something bad the next day, I don't sleep then either.  Specifically when there is an unknown quality/quantity to the event.  When I'm waiting for news....  I don't want to wait.  When I'm expecting something in the mail....  I don't want to wait.  When I'm expecting someone to arrive....  I don't want to wait.  See a pattern??  Unfortunately, I don't know how much I have learned these past few weeks as I'm anticipating some news this week and I'm having difficulty waiting through the Holiday weekend.  I know that God will see me through this, I just wish He'd hurry!!

Anyone want a telephone book?

This week I had quite an adventure with about 500 telephone books and 1000 orange plastic bags.  I was looking in the Sunday paper and stumbled across an employment opportunity to deliver telephone books.   "How hard can that be?" I said to myself.  So, I called the number.  The next afternoon I'm sitting in a cheesy motel/hotel meeting room watching a training video on a 9 inch television screen.

The trainer is telling us this is a hard job -- the organization piece, not the walking.  He's also telling us that it's not for everyone and if we get out there and decide it's not for us -- just bring back what we don't deliver.  Okay -- organization is a cinch for me -- I'm still thinking that this can't be bad (obviously ignoring the statement that this job is not for everyone.)  I get my route -- relatively small -- and my street is included.  I look at my street and realize that several houses are missing.  The boss says to give them phone books anyways and just write down the addresses so I can get credit for them (that means extra money.)

I'm given a box of 1000 orange bags -- all telephone books delivered to residences MUST be in a plastic bag and MUST be placed by the hinged side of the door.  I also have to carry a GPS device around my neck and push a button each time I leave a book and either circle the address or write it down each time I'm on a porch.  So, not only do I have to carry all these books, I have to carry a pen and paper -- and oh yeah -- and for all those folks who called to decline a phone book, they still get a door hanger, so I'm carrying those too.

As I'm alerting the boss that there are several addresses missing, an older "gentle"man walks in and slams down his box of bags complaining that this job is not for him and that after walking around for four hours he could only find four addresses.  I'm not worried -- I've figured out how to get around that, just deliver anyways -- and I'll get extra money on top of that!!  I proceed to leave the cheesy room, retrieve my truck and head out to the back of the motel/hotel and get 18 bundles of 36 telephone books loaded into the bed of the truck.  I drive 25 minutes homes only to realize that I left my box of bags at the "office."  I have the kids help me unload all 18 bundles and head back out.  I return an hour later and start bagging.

After I start, I realize I need to put them in something so I can easily carry them downstairs to my truck.  I locate some old laundry baskets (that goodness I'm a pack rat) and load up three of those.  I haven't made a DENT in the bundles -- so then I just start stacking them on the living room floor.  After 75 minutes of this -- I decided that I need some living room floor space and quit.

The next morning I and a friend get an early start -- load up the truck and start walking.  I realize as I'm carrying a gazillion books -- they are heavy!!!  I'm sure I forgot to push the GPS button several times and there are MANY addresses missing that I have to hand write on my log sheet.  Worst of all -- all of my neighbors' houses have stairs to get to the front door -- some are only 5 or 6 -- but most are about 15!!!  Uh-oh -- I think reality is setting in....

About an hour and a half later my friend and I stop at another friend's house and beg for some water.  They are ever so helpful and we even get some water to go....  we start back up and as I glare at each new set of 15+ steps, I realize that this is SO NOT WORTH it.  I really wanted to finish that last street, but alas, it was not to be.

We head home and I try to figure out how long we've worked (two of us for about four hours each) and I realize that I have only delivered about a quarter of my books.......  I do the math .....  I'll be lucky to get $13-$20 for all that work, and on top of that, I have to share it with my friend -- I'm going to make about $4/hour!!!

I took the books back that afternoon and then had to drive back the next day to pick up my check.  So, with all 4 driving trips (about 20 miles one way), 1 hour of bagging and 3 hours of delivering (times 2 people) I made a whopping $30 -- that I will have to share -- so I really only made about $15.  I'm sure I spent more on gas then I earned -- luckily I'm not smart enough to figure out how much I actually spent to travel to the cheesy motel each time.  Lesson learned -- there is no easy way to make money :)

Night all.

Virginia

To tell the truth....

Several years ago I participated in a team building exercise in which I had to list 3 facts about myself, with 2 being true and 1 being untrue.  I struggled with this because I wanted to be successful (classic overachiever that I am) and I wasn't sure what "untruth" I could tell that would be believable.  Here's an example of three facts about me -- can you tell which one is not factually correct?

1. I was an exchange student in Denmark during high school
2. I have scrap books for both of my children for each year of their lives
3. I played volleyball in high school

So, for those people who've known me forever -- they know that #s 1 and 3 are accurate -- I really was an exchange student in Denmark the summer between my junior and senior years of high school and I really did play volleyball in high school (and college).  Both of those are certainly subjects for future posts I imagine.

But back to the scrap booking -- I chose that because when I was at work, the predominant off work topic for me was my children.  I also figured the concept of me playing volleyball would throw people (considering I did not have the body of a volleyball player at the time -- and I still don't :))  And you know what -- the other team members were able to easily identify which "fact" was untrue.  One member said "You work too much for that to be true."  

WOW -- what an eye opener for me -- I worked too much to spend time memorializing my children and their lives.  I don't know if that's sad or not, but certainly was a telling fact at the time.  More importantly, I wasn't able to effectively lie -- and this for me, is the bigger and more telling truth.  I grew up in a home where truth was paramount -- but certain things weren't talked about.  And while there are no great secrets from my childhood -- it was just understood that certain uncomfortable or difficult topics weren't openly discussed.  It always made me hate the idea of secrets and I've also been compelled to tell the truth.  

Now, I'm not trying to say I have never lied or never told a little white lie -- I do have compassion (much to the surprise of some) but I am compelled to be as honest as possible when people ask me questions.  That's also not to say that I can't keep secrets -- because other people's stories are theirs to tell, not mine -- and I do hold that sacred.  

The irony is now that I'm not working, I have taken up scrap booking.  Okay -- to be honest -- I've bought scrap booking items and have started one, but have only worked on it once when I went to a Ladies Craft Night at church last month.  Tonight is the next one and I am looking forward to attacking that scrap book again.  And for those wondering -- no, the subject of the scrap book is not my children :)

Blessings of Unemployment, Items #1-11

1. Visiting Wal-mart on a non-Holiday weekday -- better parking, less crowds, overall easier access.
2. NO MORE RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC -- road construction in KC is horrible -- necessary, but horrible.
3. I can be Facebook friends with people I use to supervise.....  now I don't care what they post or when they post it :)
4. I can walk during the day, not have to rush it in early morning or late at night.
5. Way less RESPONSIBILITY......  no more clients, no more staff -- WHEW!!!!
6. I look forward to going to sleep at night....  so sad that I use to fight it because I dreaded getting up in the morning.
7. I'm looking forward to improving how I look -- about 3-6 months out, everyone else who has left the company looks 10 years younger.  I CAN'T WAIT!!!!
8. Less stress -- until the financial burden hits anyways :)
9. Eventually my house will be clean...... eventually......
10. I can give up those "work" books I forced myself to read, all in the name of being a better manager.  If I owned them, I might of had a bonfire (not really, I couldn't do that to books, but the thought is fun.)
11. I get to experience what it's like to be a stay at home Mom -- my kids are teens.....  there's fruit for a whole bunch of posts.....  so they are super excited I'm home when they get home from school (insert sarcasm :))

I'm sure I will find more and I will add those as they arise.  So thankful for an outlet to say what I need to say.  

Just starting out.....

Wow....  not really sure what I'll be blogging about, this is more for me to have an outlet than anything else.  I am recently unemployed -- after almost 19 years with the same company.   Have kept busy most days, but yesterday was rough....  am trying to keep busy, but am feeling very lost.  Hope I find some direction soon :).