Ugh, I'm so sick of being sick. I'm sick of my stomach hurting. I'm sick of going to a cancer center to be treated for a non-cancer illness, but one that still robs me of things on a daily basis. I'm sick of being tired. I'm just sick. I guess that's the problem -- I'm just sick. Bloating and nausea are a weekly thing for me. Pain is almost daily for me.
I hurt. My heart hurts for those around me who have to go through pain. My stomach hurts. My knees hurt. Sometimes my hands hurt. Sometimes I can't open a bottle of pills. Sometimes I can't open the screw cap to a water bottle. Sometimes I can't get the bottle of conditioner open in the shower. Sometimes I can't walk up a half flight of stairs. Sometimes I can't eat anything but crackers and broth for a whole day. Sometimes I just can't.
I hate not sleeping.... I should be sleeping now, I have a busy day planned for tomorrow; but that will probably go down the drain now.
I worry. I use to worry constantly; now it's not quite as bad; but I still worry. I worry that I'll let people down to whom I've made a commitment. I worry that I have or will make a mistake. I worry that something bad is going to happen to those that I love. And sometimes I just worry.
I feel like crap; not a word I use regularly now, but one that fits my mood. I was raised on feelings and letting feelings and emotions guide my heart and my actions. For the last eight years, I've been learning about God and His expectations for me. There's a quote that I'm trying to recall which goes something like this.... Your feelings will always change, but God's truth will not. That's so not worded as powerfully as I heard it, yet it's powerfully true.
There are days I can reasonably reflect on this and let God's peace envelope me. Today, I can't; I won't; I don't. I know that's not right, but today I am in pieces and I just want God to make me whole. I don't want Him to teach me, I just want Him to fix me. Today, right now, I am feeling unreasonable. And that makes me very frustrated.
I want VF's magic wand. I want her to wave it over me and make me whole. Gosh, wouldn't that be a perfect gift?
I want my old social work job back -- I loved that job with everything in me. I didn't always like it; I didn't always like what I had to do and what I had to say; but I always loved my heart and the heart of the people who worked there. You cannot find better and more caring people than those who work in public child welfare. What a privilege it was to work there.
This truly has been a rambling. This is the unfettered and unvarnished truth that comes out of me today. Tomorrow I'll feel better; tomorrow I won't be so down; tomorrow I will be more reasonable. But for right now, I'm just going to wallow in my unreasonableness.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Being Fatherless on Father's Day
This has been a wonderful weekend and a difficult day. It's been 23 years and 5 months since my father passed away. Most of the past several Father's Days I have focussed on my husband as a father and have usually spent the weekend with my in-laws, celebrating the fathers in our life on my husband's side of the family.
But today, as we were driving home from my in-laws, I am scrolling through Facebook and am overwhelmed with all the Father's Day postings. It always takes me by surprise when people who are older than me still have their fathers, I know it shouldn't, but it does. And then I am reminded that so many people my age still have their fathers. I am so happy for them, but today, today it's been difficult to watch all those Father's Day postings. Today I broke down in tears scrolling through Facebook. Thankfully, my husband was by my side, just holding my hand.
From my dad to my children's dad, thanks for taking care of me.
But today, as we were driving home from my in-laws, I am scrolling through Facebook and am overwhelmed with all the Father's Day postings. It always takes me by surprise when people who are older than me still have their fathers, I know it shouldn't, but it does. And then I am reminded that so many people my age still have their fathers. I am so happy for them, but today, today it's been difficult to watch all those Father's Day postings. Today I broke down in tears scrolling through Facebook. Thankfully, my husband was by my side, just holding my hand.
From my dad to my children's dad, thanks for taking care of me.
Monday, May 30, 2016
Gorilla vs Human
I am in shock at the number of people who are upset about the gorilla that was shot and killed this past weekend; Harambe, a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, was dragging a 4 year old boy around his enclosure, after the toddler accidentally fell into the gorilla enclosure. I get the whole being angry at the unprovoked killing of an animal, but this wasn't unprovoked. This gorilla was harming an innocent child.
I worked in child welfare for over 20 years. I saw and heard about unspeakable things being done to defenseless children. There were times I cried and times I raged. I wondered how a parent could perpetrate such acts of violence on their own children. But this act, this violent act of a wild animal harming a small child, is being called into question because the method the zoo used to stop this violent act killed Harambe.
Seriously people, since when does the death of a wild animal take more precedence than the potential death of a human child? When did human life become less important than the lives of animals?
Imagine that you are witness to an adult human dragging a small child around on the ground. Imagine that you have tried to distract that adult and he/she is having nothing to do with what you are saying/doing. Then imagine that a police officer comes up and makes the same attempts. Then that police officer realizes that words alone are not having an affect on this human and realizes that the child is being injured by the adult's actions and that the damage is only getting/going to get worse. We would expect that police officer to do whatever it took to rescue that child; up to and including the fatal shooting of that adult. I guarantee there would be no outcry for that adult who died during the life saving actions of that police officer, and I'm pretty sure it would not make the national headlines, nor would it make numerouse rounds on social media.
Police officers are expected to keep the peace in our communities. Zoo personnel are expected to keep the peace in a zoo. Their efforts saved the life of that child; in my book, that's heroic.
As for the mother of this toddler, I can't condemn her. I wasn't there and I didn't see what happened. I've only been able to find one witnesses account who indicated that the toddler made his way into the enclosure before anyone saw anything. If the mother is any kind of parent, she will be questioning herself and her own actions for a long time. This appears to be an accident, very similar to when a child darts between 2 parked cars on a street and gets hit by a car driving down that street. Tragic, but not always the result of a neglectful parent.
I worked in child welfare for over 20 years. I saw and heard about unspeakable things being done to defenseless children. There were times I cried and times I raged. I wondered how a parent could perpetrate such acts of violence on their own children. But this act, this violent act of a wild animal harming a small child, is being called into question because the method the zoo used to stop this violent act killed Harambe.
Seriously people, since when does the death of a wild animal take more precedence than the potential death of a human child? When did human life become less important than the lives of animals?
Imagine that you are witness to an adult human dragging a small child around on the ground. Imagine that you have tried to distract that adult and he/she is having nothing to do with what you are saying/doing. Then imagine that a police officer comes up and makes the same attempts. Then that police officer realizes that words alone are not having an affect on this human and realizes that the child is being injured by the adult's actions and that the damage is only getting/going to get worse. We would expect that police officer to do whatever it took to rescue that child; up to and including the fatal shooting of that adult. I guarantee there would be no outcry for that adult who died during the life saving actions of that police officer, and I'm pretty sure it would not make the national headlines, nor would it make numerouse rounds on social media.
Police officers are expected to keep the peace in our communities. Zoo personnel are expected to keep the peace in a zoo. Their efforts saved the life of that child; in my book, that's heroic.
As for the mother of this toddler, I can't condemn her. I wasn't there and I didn't see what happened. I've only been able to find one witnesses account who indicated that the toddler made his way into the enclosure before anyone saw anything. If the mother is any kind of parent, she will be questioning herself and her own actions for a long time. This appears to be an accident, very similar to when a child darts between 2 parked cars on a street and gets hit by a car driving down that street. Tragic, but not always the result of a neglectful parent.
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