Ugh, I'm so sick of being sick. I'm sick of my stomach hurting. I'm sick of going to a cancer center to be treated for a non-cancer illness, but one that still robs me of things on a daily basis. I'm sick of being tired. I'm just sick. I guess that's the problem -- I'm just sick. Bloating and nausea are a weekly thing for me. Pain is almost daily for me.
I hurt. My heart hurts for those around me who have to go through pain. My stomach hurts. My knees hurt. Sometimes my hands hurt. Sometimes I can't open a bottle of pills. Sometimes I can't open the screw cap to a water bottle. Sometimes I can't get the bottle of conditioner open in the shower. Sometimes I can't walk up a half flight of stairs. Sometimes I can't eat anything but crackers and broth for a whole day. Sometimes I just can't.
I hate not sleeping.... I should be sleeping now, I have a busy day planned for tomorrow; but that will probably go down the drain now.
I worry. I use to worry constantly; now it's not quite as bad; but I still worry. I worry that I'll let people down to whom I've made a commitment. I worry that I have or will make a mistake. I worry that something bad is going to happen to those that I love. And sometimes I just worry.
I feel like crap; not a word I use regularly now, but one that fits my mood. I was raised on feelings and letting feelings and emotions guide my heart and my actions. For the last eight years, I've been learning about God and His expectations for me. There's a quote that I'm trying to recall which goes something like this.... Your feelings will always change, but God's truth will not. That's so not worded as powerfully as I heard it, yet it's powerfully true.
There are days I can reasonably reflect on this and let God's peace envelope me. Today, I can't; I won't; I don't. I know that's not right, but today I am in pieces and I just want God to make me whole. I don't want Him to teach me, I just want Him to fix me. Today, right now, I am feeling unreasonable. And that makes me very frustrated.
I want VF's magic wand. I want her to wave it over me and make me whole. Gosh, wouldn't that be a perfect gift?
I want my old social work job back -- I loved that job with everything in me. I didn't always like it; I didn't always like what I had to do and what I had to say; but I always loved my heart and the heart of the people who worked there. You cannot find better and more caring people than those who work in public child welfare. What a privilege it was to work there.
This truly has been a rambling. This is the unfettered and unvarnished truth that comes out of me today. Tomorrow I'll feel better; tomorrow I won't be so down; tomorrow I will be more reasonable. But for right now, I'm just going to wallow in my unreasonableness.
