Ugh, I'm so sick of being sick. I'm sick of my stomach hurting. I'm sick of going to a cancer center to be treated for a non-cancer illness, but one that still robs me of things on a daily basis. I'm sick of being tired. I'm just sick. I guess that's the problem -- I'm just sick. Bloating and nausea are a weekly thing for me. Pain is almost daily for me.
I hurt. My heart hurts for those around me who have to go through pain. My stomach hurts. My knees hurt. Sometimes my hands hurt. Sometimes I can't open a bottle of pills. Sometimes I can't open the screw cap to a water bottle. Sometimes I can't get the bottle of conditioner open in the shower. Sometimes I can't walk up a half flight of stairs. Sometimes I can't eat anything but crackers and broth for a whole day. Sometimes I just can't.
I hate not sleeping.... I should be sleeping now, I have a busy day planned for tomorrow; but that will probably go down the drain now.
I worry. I use to worry constantly; now it's not quite as bad; but I still worry. I worry that I'll let people down to whom I've made a commitment. I worry that I have or will make a mistake. I worry that something bad is going to happen to those that I love. And sometimes I just worry.
I feel like crap; not a word I use regularly now, but one that fits my mood. I was raised on feelings and letting feelings and emotions guide my heart and my actions. For the last eight years, I've been learning about God and His expectations for me. There's a quote that I'm trying to recall which goes something like this.... Your feelings will always change, but God's truth will not. That's so not worded as powerfully as I heard it, yet it's powerfully true.
There are days I can reasonably reflect on this and let God's peace envelope me. Today, I can't; I won't; I don't. I know that's not right, but today I am in pieces and I just want God to make me whole. I don't want Him to teach me, I just want Him to fix me. Today, right now, I am feeling unreasonable. And that makes me very frustrated.
I want VF's magic wand. I want her to wave it over me and make me whole. Gosh, wouldn't that be a perfect gift?
I want my old social work job back -- I loved that job with everything in me. I didn't always like it; I didn't always like what I had to do and what I had to say; but I always loved my heart and the heart of the people who worked there. You cannot find better and more caring people than those who work in public child welfare. What a privilege it was to work there.
This truly has been a rambling. This is the unfettered and unvarnished truth that comes out of me today. Tomorrow I'll feel better; tomorrow I won't be so down; tomorrow I will be more reasonable. But for right now, I'm just going to wallow in my unreasonableness.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Being Fatherless on Father's Day
This has been a wonderful weekend and a difficult day. It's been 23 years and 5 months since my father passed away. Most of the past several Father's Days I have focussed on my husband as a father and have usually spent the weekend with my in-laws, celebrating the fathers in our life on my husband's side of the family.
But today, as we were driving home from my in-laws, I am scrolling through Facebook and am overwhelmed with all the Father's Day postings. It always takes me by surprise when people who are older than me still have their fathers, I know it shouldn't, but it does. And then I am reminded that so many people my age still have their fathers. I am so happy for them, but today, today it's been difficult to watch all those Father's Day postings. Today I broke down in tears scrolling through Facebook. Thankfully, my husband was by my side, just holding my hand.
From my dad to my children's dad, thanks for taking care of me.
But today, as we were driving home from my in-laws, I am scrolling through Facebook and am overwhelmed with all the Father's Day postings. It always takes me by surprise when people who are older than me still have their fathers, I know it shouldn't, but it does. And then I am reminded that so many people my age still have their fathers. I am so happy for them, but today, today it's been difficult to watch all those Father's Day postings. Today I broke down in tears scrolling through Facebook. Thankfully, my husband was by my side, just holding my hand.
From my dad to my children's dad, thanks for taking care of me.
Monday, May 30, 2016
Gorilla vs Human
I am in shock at the number of people who are upset about the gorilla that was shot and killed this past weekend; Harambe, a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, was dragging a 4 year old boy around his enclosure, after the toddler accidentally fell into the gorilla enclosure. I get the whole being angry at the unprovoked killing of an animal, but this wasn't unprovoked. This gorilla was harming an innocent child.
I worked in child welfare for over 20 years. I saw and heard about unspeakable things being done to defenseless children. There were times I cried and times I raged. I wondered how a parent could perpetrate such acts of violence on their own children. But this act, this violent act of a wild animal harming a small child, is being called into question because the method the zoo used to stop this violent act killed Harambe.
Seriously people, since when does the death of a wild animal take more precedence than the potential death of a human child? When did human life become less important than the lives of animals?
Imagine that you are witness to an adult human dragging a small child around on the ground. Imagine that you have tried to distract that adult and he/she is having nothing to do with what you are saying/doing. Then imagine that a police officer comes up and makes the same attempts. Then that police officer realizes that words alone are not having an affect on this human and realizes that the child is being injured by the adult's actions and that the damage is only getting/going to get worse. We would expect that police officer to do whatever it took to rescue that child; up to and including the fatal shooting of that adult. I guarantee there would be no outcry for that adult who died during the life saving actions of that police officer, and I'm pretty sure it would not make the national headlines, nor would it make numerouse rounds on social media.
Police officers are expected to keep the peace in our communities. Zoo personnel are expected to keep the peace in a zoo. Their efforts saved the life of that child; in my book, that's heroic.
As for the mother of this toddler, I can't condemn her. I wasn't there and I didn't see what happened. I've only been able to find one witnesses account who indicated that the toddler made his way into the enclosure before anyone saw anything. If the mother is any kind of parent, she will be questioning herself and her own actions for a long time. This appears to be an accident, very similar to when a child darts between 2 parked cars on a street and gets hit by a car driving down that street. Tragic, but not always the result of a neglectful parent.
I worked in child welfare for over 20 years. I saw and heard about unspeakable things being done to defenseless children. There were times I cried and times I raged. I wondered how a parent could perpetrate such acts of violence on their own children. But this act, this violent act of a wild animal harming a small child, is being called into question because the method the zoo used to stop this violent act killed Harambe.
Seriously people, since when does the death of a wild animal take more precedence than the potential death of a human child? When did human life become less important than the lives of animals?
Imagine that you are witness to an adult human dragging a small child around on the ground. Imagine that you have tried to distract that adult and he/she is having nothing to do with what you are saying/doing. Then imagine that a police officer comes up and makes the same attempts. Then that police officer realizes that words alone are not having an affect on this human and realizes that the child is being injured by the adult's actions and that the damage is only getting/going to get worse. We would expect that police officer to do whatever it took to rescue that child; up to and including the fatal shooting of that adult. I guarantee there would be no outcry for that adult who died during the life saving actions of that police officer, and I'm pretty sure it would not make the national headlines, nor would it make numerouse rounds on social media.
Police officers are expected to keep the peace in our communities. Zoo personnel are expected to keep the peace in a zoo. Their efforts saved the life of that child; in my book, that's heroic.
As for the mother of this toddler, I can't condemn her. I wasn't there and I didn't see what happened. I've only been able to find one witnesses account who indicated that the toddler made his way into the enclosure before anyone saw anything. If the mother is any kind of parent, she will be questioning herself and her own actions for a long time. This appears to be an accident, very similar to when a child darts between 2 parked cars on a street and gets hit by a car driving down that street. Tragic, but not always the result of a neglectful parent.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Checking in....
Wow, it's been over 3 years since I've written in this blog. I've just reviewed all of my posts (there is SO many, not!). I'm not sure if I'm up to "continuing" (can I really use the word "continuing if I haven't done it in more than 3 years?) this blog, but I realize that my life has taken some crazy turns and lots has happened in the past 3 years. I want to blog about them all, I'm just not sure I can remember all of them. Here's a list of things that have happened and that I hope to blog about in the future....
- My son got married
- I no longer work
- My daughter went to college
- My testimony, why and how I came to trust in the Lord
- my identity -- that I am a child of God; not that I was the Regional Director of the CD
- My many illnesses and health issues and all the pros/cons that come with all that "stuff"
- Transcription -- it's harder than it looks
- New knees -- you really can't dance the night of surgery
I know this list is not all inclusive, but it's a start. Let's see what I can do.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
A blessing in disguise?
As the meager few who follow this know, I started this blog because I lost my job in April 2011. That was a very painful experience and one to which I am still struggling to adjust. I miss the work I did, I miss the mission and vision I had and I miss the good I know I did.
When this happened, I had a friend tell me "This would not have happened without God's knowledge and approval." In the past 15 months, I have been trying very hard to understand the why. I've begged, pleaded, railed against, cried and tried hard to listen to Him tell me why He allowed this to happen. I think tonight he finally told me why.
For the past 10-12 months, I've been struggling with some health issues. Not health issues that have caused me pain, but more that have caused worry and wonder -- not just for me but for the medical professionals I've worked with for many years and a couple of new ones I've had the necessity to meet recently. I still don't have all the answers, but after a handful of expensive medical tests, I'm hopeful to have a diagnosis soon.
I got a Facebook message earlier this week from a former employee who just wanted to say she was sorry to see me go and she thought I'd done a good job in my former employment. Even after 15 months, I still get those and I am so very thankful to receive them. It validates what we did as an agency and reminds me that I did have a positive impact on children, families and, just as important -- the staff who carried out a tough job with little respect and recognition from others.
But, as always happens, those messages remind me that I don't have the most important (at least to me) answer -- WHY did He let this happen? Well, I think He finally told me tonight. He knew I needed strength and time to deal with my current health issues and He knew I would not have had either with my former job. As I sit and think about all the time I've had to take off to find the answers to my health questions, I realize that it would have been difficult for me to adequately attend to everything I've had to do in the past several months if I was still embroiled in my former life.
I'm still sad; I still miss my former life and all that came with it -- but maybe I'm beginning to appreciate an incident that may just turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
When this happened, I had a friend tell me "This would not have happened without God's knowledge and approval." In the past 15 months, I have been trying very hard to understand the why. I've begged, pleaded, railed against, cried and tried hard to listen to Him tell me why He allowed this to happen. I think tonight he finally told me why.
For the past 10-12 months, I've been struggling with some health issues. Not health issues that have caused me pain, but more that have caused worry and wonder -- not just for me but for the medical professionals I've worked with for many years and a couple of new ones I've had the necessity to meet recently. I still don't have all the answers, but after a handful of expensive medical tests, I'm hopeful to have a diagnosis soon.
I got a Facebook message earlier this week from a former employee who just wanted to say she was sorry to see me go and she thought I'd done a good job in my former employment. Even after 15 months, I still get those and I am so very thankful to receive them. It validates what we did as an agency and reminds me that I did have a positive impact on children, families and, just as important -- the staff who carried out a tough job with little respect and recognition from others.
But, as always happens, those messages remind me that I don't have the most important (at least to me) answer -- WHY did He let this happen? Well, I think He finally told me tonight. He knew I needed strength and time to deal with my current health issues and He knew I would not have had either with my former job. As I sit and think about all the time I've had to take off to find the answers to my health questions, I realize that it would have been difficult for me to adequately attend to everything I've had to do in the past several months if I was still embroiled in my former life.
I'm still sad; I still miss my former life and all that came with it -- but maybe I'm beginning to appreciate an incident that may just turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Truth be Told, my brother is why I became a Social Worker
I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I'm going to share a little secret..... my brother is an alcoholic. Now, I've known this for years, but in a very sporadic and distance sense. I've been around him when he's drunk and quite frankly, I don't like him much (i.e. at all) when he's drunk. As with most drunks, he is a complete jerk when he has had too much to drink. Much as I love him, I can still share that. Having said all that, I've seen a completely new side to him that makes me weep in equal parts frustration and love.
He had knee replacement surgery last Friday. Apparently the night before, he got completely drunk. Why anyone would preform surgery on a man with such an alcohol problem is beyond me.... I can only hope it was done because they didn't know the extent of his problem.
I visited with him on Saturday and it quite literally, scared the crap out of me. Looking at him reminded me of the videos you see of starving, emaciated people who have eaten next to nil for several months. He frequently fell into a fitful sleep while talking and was incoherent for most of the day. Later that night he pulled out his IV, got up and promptly fell down. I'm sure he had every intention of locating a cigarette because not only is he addicted to his beer, he is addicted to his cigarettes.
As a result of this behavior, he was moved to a more secure room with 24 hour supervision. Now when I was told that, I really didn't believe that -- who is going to spend the money on that? Well, apparently his insurance, because I spent the day with him today and the nurse was in there ALL the time and only left when she was relieved by another nurse or when she was assured that I would not leave the room.
As a result of his alcohol and tobacco withdrawal, here are some of the conversations we have had over the past few days....
He alternately cursed me, flipped me off and smiled at me. It was quite an adventure and I have a whole new appreciation for anyone who has to deal with this on a daily basis. I hope and pray that his road to recovery is an easy one. In reality, it will be bumpy and it will be bumpy by his own choosing.
Truth be told, and as sad as it may be to say.....I'm glad I work with abused and neglected children and not alcoholics.
He had knee replacement surgery last Friday. Apparently the night before, he got completely drunk. Why anyone would preform surgery on a man with such an alcohol problem is beyond me.... I can only hope it was done because they didn't know the extent of his problem.
I visited with him on Saturday and it quite literally, scared the crap out of me. Looking at him reminded me of the videos you see of starving, emaciated people who have eaten next to nil for several months. He frequently fell into a fitful sleep while talking and was incoherent for most of the day. Later that night he pulled out his IV, got up and promptly fell down. I'm sure he had every intention of locating a cigarette because not only is he addicted to his beer, he is addicted to his cigarettes.
As a result of this behavior, he was moved to a more secure room with 24 hour supervision. Now when I was told that, I really didn't believe that -- who is going to spend the money on that? Well, apparently his insurance, because I spent the day with him today and the nurse was in there ALL the time and only left when she was relieved by another nurse or when she was assured that I would not leave the room.
As a result of his alcohol and tobacco withdrawal, here are some of the conversations we have had over the past few days....
- Him to me "Where's Zach, he was here with you this morning." "No Pascal, Zach is in school today."
- Him to me "What are you doing for Memorial Day?" "I don't know Pascal, Memorial Day is months away, Halloween is the next 'Holiday'"
- Him to me "I need my sunglasses, find my sunglasses" "Here they are Pascal, in your suitcase" "Okay... leave them there, I don't need them now."
- Him to me "I know Mom's schedule on Sundays, she'll be home tomorrow between church and lunch." "Pascal, tomorrow's not Sunday."
He alternately cursed me, flipped me off and smiled at me. It was quite an adventure and I have a whole new appreciation for anyone who has to deal with this on a daily basis. I hope and pray that his road to recovery is an easy one. In reality, it will be bumpy and it will be bumpy by his own choosing.
Truth be told, and as sad as it may be to say.....I'm glad I work with abused and neglected children and not alcoholics.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Who Am I?
I'm copying a friend of mine and linking up to another site: www.sassysites.blogspot.com The blogger has asked that we answer the following questions about ourselves....
Why did you decide to start blogging? I started blogging in the Spring because I suddenly parted ways with my employer after almost 20 years of service. It was a tough time for me and I needed an outlet.
When you aren't blogging, what are you doing? When I am not blogging I am playing games on Facebook (I LOVE to play games), reading, watching TV, or spending time with family or my church family. I live a predominantly sedentary life but am slowly trying to become more active. In all reality, I don't think blogging is going to help me in this endeavor!!
What is your blog about? My blog started as an outlet for my unemployment status, but I am happy to say that my employment status has changed, so now I will be blogging about anything that comes to mind.
When do you find the time to blog? Whenever I can :)
What is your favorite post so far that you've written? The post immediately before this one..... God is good and he will provide direction if you are willing to look for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)